When
was the last time you made a new friend? Not just a new acquaintance or
buddy at work, but someone really close—the kind of person you would
call in an emergency? If you're "old" like me (past the age of 30), you
might notice it's harder than ever to make those kinds of lifelong
friends. Here's why and, also, why that might not be such a bad thing.
The Usual Suspects: Work, Family, So Little Time
We all know
the obvious reasons friendship-making comes to a halt when we get
older. We work 50-hour workweeks, maybe get married and have kids, take
on more responsibilities, and otherwise have less time than ever for
anything else. In a study conducted by Real Simple and the Families Work Institute,
the majority of women between the ages of 25 and 54 reported having
less than 90 minutes of free time a day, with 29 percent having less
than 45 minutes of free time. That's not even enough time to watch an
episode of Game of Thrones, much less make new friends.
In a popular article in the New York Times last summer, Alex Williams tackled this midlife friend crisis, saying:
As people approach midlife, the days of youthful exploration, when life felt like one big blind date, are fading. Schedules compress, priorities change and people often become pickier in what they want in their friends.
No matter how many friends you make, a sense of fatalism can creep in: the period for making B.F.F.’s, the way you did in your teens or early 20s, is pretty much over. It’s time to resign yourself to situational friends: K.O.F.’s (kind of friends) — for now.
Over the
years since graduating college, I've met lots of people at work, in my
neighborhood, and things like parent-teacher events. Most of them I get
along with great, and have traded phone numbers with some for plans to
someday get together. They never pan out. It seems there's an invisible
barrier to getting close enough to become deep friends, because it's
hard enough to stay in touch with the close friends I already have (who
I've known since high school), let alone test out and try to build a
close relationship with someone new.
Williams writes:
In studies of peer groups, Laura L. Carstensen, a psychology professor who is the director of the Stanford Center on Longevity in California, observed that people tended to interact with fewer people as they moved toward midlife, but that they grew closer to the friends they already had.
Basically, she suggests, this is because people have an internal alarm clock that goes off at big life events, like turning 30. It reminds them that time horizons are shrinking, so it is a point to pull back on exploration and concentrate on the here and now.
Making Friends Is No Longer a Survival Requirement
The
other thing is that making friends when we're younger, while maybe not
always easy, was somewhat of a necessity. From the time we're in
kindergarten to when we graduate college, friendship-making is such an
important part of our social and personal development, it's almost not
even optional. We need to make friends to find out who we are, where we
fit in with our peers, how to navigate social situations, and which
people will help us with the rough parts of growing into a person
(things like dealing with class bullies or confusing relationships).
Of course,
we never thought about that when we made friends in school. We were
indiscriminate, bonding with friends almost arbitrarily. (You sit next
to me for hours in a boring chem class? Also hate a certain teacher or
group of kids at school? BFFs!)
After
spending years as an adult living in the real world, though, we no
longer need new friends to figure out how to walk peer-pressure-filled
tightropes or to develop a better grasp of ourselves as individuals. And
things like pure circumstance are less likely to trigger strong bonds.
As comedian Louis C. K. once said in stand-up:
I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."
What You Can Do About It
For people who are looking to make new friends—maybe after moving to a new city,
changing jobs, or simply drifting apart from old friends—it can be
especially challenging. Everyone's so busy and we're less likely to have
the three things sociologists consider necessary to making close
friends: close proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a
setting where people let their guards down and confide in each other
(like college).
Does this mean once you're past 30 you should give up all hope of making a true new friend? Of course not.
Tracy Moore, likening friendship to a conveyor belt, writes on our sister site Jezebel that maybe we just need to change our attitude towards friendship:
Maybe you're in a new city with unknown conveyer belts; maybe your old friends are heinous jackanapes you have no idea why you just hung out with for the last decade. Either way, you have to think of making friends at this age in this world with this head as a different game.
And, yes,
actually go out there and socialize with people who have similar
interests. Here are a few examples from around the Lifehacker crew:
- Use services like Meetup.com, which hosts outings for everything from outdoor hiking to poetry readings to kid dance parties. Whitson says he went to a Dungeons & Dragons meetup and ended up with a group of four guys that he played D&D with for the next three years.
- Use daily deals, such as Groupon or LivingSocial, to take classes or other activities. Alan says he met a lot of really cool people at a Living Social whiskey tasting. Actually, Thorin also says he met a lot of people at a whiskey tasting. Nothing like food and drinks to bring people together!
- Meet people at church. As Joshua jokes, "church activities are full of people contractually obligated to be your friend."
- Join a sports league (bonus points: get regular exercise!). My husband's part of a weekly basketball league that's recruiting new members all the time.
- Get out with your dog (or maybe even get a puppy). Lifehacker readers Em and Powermobydick (on Twitter) say that walking their dogs and going to dog parks have helped them meet new people.
- Other obvious but still effective ways to get out there include volunteering, starting a new hobby, joining a neighborhood book club, and even traveling.
Once you've found a potential friend, you can get past the awkwardness of turning him or her into a friend
by suggesting a common activity and setting up regular meetups (e.g.,
Sunday brunches) to build that relationship. Lifehacker reader Emily
Adams (@emilyadams829) offers this good tip:
Also, be hospitable! Organize dinners and happy hours at your house where people can be comfortable and let their guard down.
Yes, building friendships is a lot like dating—and can take as much effort and emotional investment.
If you're a mostly shy person like me who doesn't really reach out to people, new friendship potential is still there (whether you force yourself to be sociable or not).
Because no matter what stage of life you're in, making friends has a
lot to do with luck and chemistry too—things you can't control and can
happen when you least expect it.
A Silver Lining
As
difficult and different as it might seem to make new friends, I think
there are at least a few benefits to doing so when you're older:
-
Your new friendships will likely be based more on shared interests—maybe new ones you didn't have when you were in school
-
You're not limited to making friends in just your age group or, with the power of the internet, even your local area
-
Your friendships may also be more relaxed and less pressure-filled,
because everyone knows everyone else is so swamped (Kind-of-friends,
also, Moore writes, "is the best version of friends you can have as an
adult! Kind-of friends are full of possibilities and virtually none of
the obligation.")
-
You might appreciate the rare times you spend with your friends (more
than when you were in college and did nothing but loll about)
In fact,
when you have more self-knowledge, the quality of the friendships you
make (or renew) later in life can be richer than the happenstance ones
from your school years, even if these friendships do take more effort to
cultivate. And like the best relationships, they can also continue
deepening over time.
Photos by Eden, Janine and Jim and BoyGoku.
I
often find myself shut out of potential friendships and circles of
friends because I am a middle-aged, married woman with no children. I
certainly like kids and understand the kinds of crazy time constraints
parents face, but it seems as though my female peers (well-educated,
culturally-literate professionals and academics in their thirties and
forties) would prefer instead to interact with other mothers, even
though we might have plenty of other things in common. I absolutely
don't mind hearing about school and parenting issues, as I have nieces
of my own, am interested in what's going on in their lives, and can hold
up my end of the conversation and ask intelligent, sincerely interested
questions, but even if I find a way to express interest, things still
kind of trail off. I wish I knew how to deal with this barrier—it makes
me feel like an outcast, and it hurts. My husband, somehow, doesn't
seem to have this problem and has plenty of work colleagues who are also
friends, but when we get together at parties, even their spouses aren't
particularly interested in getting to know me, even though we're all
very much alike, other than my non-parental status. Children are
apparently an essential icebreaker, and one to which I do not have
access. 5/03/13 10:03am
Sadly,
I have to concur with this. As a woman at a certain point you find out
that other women once they become mothers, only can/want to have to do
with you if you're "part of the club" i.e. a mother.
And the odd thing is that, even though in my 20s I was never the
type to have friendships with men, I've found out since my 30s that it's
suddenly way easier to start (non-romantic/sexual) friendships with men
than with women, since they don't seem to have this bias. 5/03/13 11:55am
I
absolutely feel you here. I'm 36, married and not by choice of my own,
have no children (not that this should matter, but it might add to
hesitation by my friends to invite me to things with kids around). I
have been losing touch with a lot of my friends that are now parents. I
had hoped that as the kids grew older, they'd be able to make time
again, but instead, I've been replaced by other mothers. It's not even
only playdates, but nights out as well.
Maybe it's that they feel they no longer have anything in common with
someone who doesn't discuss the growing pains of their children. It
seems doubly a slap in the face for me though, as someone who struggled
with infertility, to now feel ostracized because I didn't achieve the
socially accepted goal of motherhood. I feel stuck socializing with people younger than me because they seem to be my only option. But dammit, it gets frustrating trying to discuss nerdy things with someone born later than He-Man ever aired! 5/03/13 12:02pm
Let's
not forget college alumni associations as a great way to meet new
people. I moved to Los Angeles 7 years after I completed my 4 year
degree at a Big Ten University. Many people in LA are transplants
themselves and are looking to meet new people as well. Alumni
Associations are similar to the church example given in this article,
even if you're a jerk, people will tolerate you b/c you're from the same
"tribe" (but most people are kind). Every Saturday during football
season I would travel to the local bar to watch the games with the
alumni association. From there I met people who are into Philadelphia
sports so we would watch the Eagles games on Sunday or the Phillies
games in the summer on TV. It's all about networking.... and that is a
survival skill that should stay with you for life. 5/03/13 8:23am
I
went to University of Michigan, and after I moved to LA I discovered
there's a bar where ALL the Michigan alumni go to watch football games
on Saturday. It's like being back home once a week. The alumni
association puts on a ton of stuff and makes it so easy to meet people. 5/03/13 8:34am
hey
i just graduated from Penn State and am moving to Orange County in a
few weeks. how does one go about looking up alumni associations on the
west coast? thanks in advance 5/03/13 9:05am
The advice in this column is stuff I've seen in other places. But none of it has worked for me.
Meetup isn't much use since I live in a small-ish town and there
really are not meetup activities here that I would be interested in. I
think there are two groups (board games and "women-who-lunch").I don't play any sports, so a sports league isn't really an option.
Groupon/Living Social doesn't seem to offer real-life courses, just online ones. I've looked for evening classes in subjects that I'd be interested in, but there isn't much on offer in a small town. Most of the interesting stuff seems to be in the day time when I'm at work.
Church. I'm not religious.
No dog.
I thought about joining a book club. But I'm not that kind of reader. It's not an activity I would do for its own sake, so wouldn't want to do it on the off-chance that I could make friends. . . because that may not happen. 5/03/13 11:05am
Don't
get discouraged, and don't be afraid to talk to people. You are going
to have to take some chances to meet people. Reading a book isn't that
big of a sacrifice if the reward is meeting new people, is it? 5/03/13 1:40pm
Do
you absolutely have to be a woman to get into that lunch group?
Because that sounds like the best of the options you listed. Who
doesn't like lunch? 5/03/13 4:26pm
Just
wanted to drop in and say that I'm impressed with the quality of
Lifehacker's articles as of late. I was a big reader last year, and
ended up not visiting for some time because the quality dropped.
Things have definitely gotten better, and I'll be stopping in more frequently. Keep up the good work Lifehacker! 5/05/13 1:39pm
Thanks very much! 5/06/13 8:14am
I
agree. So far this fall the story quality has bumped up in quality. I
think it goes in cycles. This seemed to be summer of mildly
interesting but useless redneck repair stories. I have to admit coming
up with interesting, informative, and diverse stories without being
repetitive is a huge challenge. 10/17/13 9:22am
I
haven't had a real close friend, other than my wife, in years. Probably
since I was in my twenties. Getting married and having kids, going to
college and working a lot makes it hard. About five years ago, we moved
from New Mexico to Georgia, leaving our families behind. No family or
friends out here for support at all. I've had some great work friends,
but rarely have I hung out with them outside of work. Being a liberal
and non-religious in the predominantly Christian conservative deep south
makes it tough to find anyone to be friends with. I'm also a huge comic
book, Star Wars, geeky things lover and finding anyone to connect with
on that level has been difficult. Meeting people and talking with fellow
geeks online is as good as it has gotten for me so far. It will have to
do until I can come across anyone locally. 5/03/13 9:21am
Welcome(ish) to Georgia!
I moved here a couple years ago as well and have struggled meeting
people outside of a church setting as well. Since you're into the geek
culture, might I suggest checking out a show or two at Dad's Garage in
Atlanta? Also, if you haven't been to Dragon*Con in the fall, I
guarantee you'll meet people with similar interests. It's also in
Atlanta, so you may have to plan for it but since it's an entire
weekend, you could make an event out of it.I recently found that some of the restaurants around me offer board game nights too. You may want to see if there is something like that near you. I haven't had a chance to go yet but I think it would be a good way to meet a new group of people I wouldn't otherwise have the chance to.
Good luck!!! 5/03/13 11:41am
Yes,
making friends can be difficult, you need to find time, you need to be
vulnerable, you need to recognize your need for people, and you need to
pursue friendships, but you can't let excuses like "Well, I'm an
introvert, so it is really hard for me.." keep you from going after
making friends.
I disagree with the point "Making Friends Is No Longer a Survival
Requirement". To be straight up, if you think you have it all together -
you don't need friends to help you discover who you are, what your role
is, give input/advice on life situations, or help carry you through
tough situations in life - you are greatly mistaken. You were never
meant to live independently of others.You are meant to have friends that are closer than family. You were created to live in a community of people who love you for who you are, regardless of the junk in your life.
This is such a giant issue in so many people's lives for legitimate reasons: past hurts, a warped sense of who they are, no sense of value for them self. For the sake of these people, we need to be more loving and welcoming to random people in our lives. Talk to them, invite them places, have a meal together. Don't let a label, introvert/extrovert or your personal preference, keep you from reaching out to people that may be dying inside from lack of companionship, but lack the self-worth to go after friendships themselves.
*I get fired up about this topic and our culture's lack of concern for it. 5/03/13 8:27am
Well said! 5/03/13 8:52am
Great
post. I completely agree. Friends may no longer be a requirement for
hunting and gathering, or making sure you don't get beat up on the
playground, but they will continue to enrich your life, provide you with
value as you do the same for them, and create a network of
ever-increasing opportunity. Your comment of being vulnerable is spot
on. Be ready to invest in other people and trust them, and they should
respond in kind. 5/03/13 1:27pm
I
will second the whole 'join a sports club' thing. I played college
level rugby, and after graduating, I moved to a new city. Only knew one
person there, and they introduced me to a local Rugby club. In a matter
of days I went from knowing virtually no one, to having 30 people I
consider friends. Plus, there is a certain camaraderie inherent in every
rugby club. These people went on to introduce me to a whole bunch of
different people. So even if you think you are clumsy, get out there and
join any league: flag football, soccer, rugby...whatever, trust me you
will not regret it. 5/03/13 8:18am
I
joined a rugby team as well when I moved to a new city. I had never
played before but one of my roommates' friends talked me into it.
Definitely have to agree with everything you're saying. It also doesn't
hurt that the team I joined won a national championship my first year
playing. 5/03/13 8:51am
Makes me think of this. 5/03/13 8:39am
Credit for the common interest loop breaker should go to Howard Wolowitz. 5/03/13 4:24pm
Yeah, I'll bet the people pictured at the top of this article are having a real hard time getting anyone to be their friend. :-)
Anyway, a very effective way to make friends as a young adult is to
attend a church. Some even have specific groups set up for singles to
get together. Look for a big church, and check their web site for
"Singles Ministry". Boom. Friends. 5/03/13 9:45am
True
story. I'm going through a breakup, and am looking to join a synagogue
in my area, in part, to meet guys. My ex was also a gentile, so I'm
sure everyone's mom will try to set me up with people.
Also, you know, it's fun and a good community. 5/03/13 3:35pm
How
do you make friends at work? I recently graduated from a college in a
pretty big city, and my current job is in the suburbs. As such, the
demographics are totally different—I went from walking around and seeing
single, mid-20's to mid-30's people previously, to mostly mid-30's to
mid-40's people, mostly married and with kids. I have very little to
relate with these my current co-workers besides our jobs at the company,
and even that's a stretch (most of these people don't understand what I
do since it's all black magic to them). How do I talk to them? 5/03/13 11:11am
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