Why It's So Hard to Make Friends

When was the last time you made a new friend? Not just a new acquaintance or buddy at work, but someone really close—the kind of person you would call in an emergency? If you're "old" like me (past the age of 30), you might notice it's harder than ever to make those kinds of lifelong friends. Here's why and, also, why that might not be such a bad thing.

The Usual Suspects: Work, Family, So Little Time

We all know the obvious reasons friendship-making comes to a halt when we get older. We work 50-hour workweeks, maybe get married and have kids, take on more responsibilities, and otherwise have less time than ever for anything else. In a study conducted by Real Simple and the Families Work Institute, the majority of women between the ages of 25 and 54 reported having less than 90 minutes of free time a day, with 29 percent having less than 45 minutes of free time. That's not even enough time to watch an episode of Game of Thrones, much less make new friends.

In a popular article in the New York Times last summer, Alex Williams tackled this midlife friend crisis, saying:

As people approach midlife, the days of youthful exploration, when life felt like one big blind date, are fading. Schedules compress, priorities change and people often become pickier in what they want in their friends.
No matter how many friends you make, a sense of fatalism can creep in: the period for making B.F.F.’s, the way you did in your teens or early 20s, is pretty much over. It’s time to resign yourself to situational friends: K.O.F.’s (kind of friends) — for now.

Over the years since graduating college, I've met lots of people at work, in my neighborhood, and things like parent-teacher events. Most of them I get along with great, and have traded phone numbers with some for plans to someday get together. They never pan out. It seems there's an invisible barrier to getting close enough to become deep friends, because it's hard enough to stay in touch with the close friends I already have (who I've known since high school), let alone test out and try to build a close relationship with someone new.

Williams writes:

In studies of peer groups, Laura L. Carstensen, a psychology professor who is the director of the Stanford Center on Longevity in California, observed that people tended to interact with fewer people as they moved toward midlife, but that they grew closer to the friends they already had.
Basically, she suggests, this is because people have an internal alarm clock that goes off at big life events, like turning 30. It reminds them that time horizons are shrinking, so it is a point to pull back on exploration and concentrate on the here and now.

Making Friends Is No Longer a Survival Requirement

The other thing is that making friends when we're younger, while maybe not always easy, was somewhat of a necessity. From the time we're in kindergarten to when we graduate college, friendship-making is such an important part of our social and personal development, it's almost not even optional. We need to make friends to find out who we are, where we fit in with our peers, how to navigate social situations, and which people will help us with the rough parts of growing into a person (things like dealing with class bullies or confusing relationships).

Of course, we never thought about that when we made friends in school. We were indiscriminate, bonding with friends almost arbitrarily. (You sit next to me for hours in a boring chem class? Also hate a certain teacher or group of kids at school? BFFs!)

After spending years as an adult living in the real world, though, we no longer need new friends to figure out how to walk peer-pressure-filled tightropes or to develop a better grasp of ourselves as individuals. And things like pure circumstance are less likely to trigger strong bonds. As comedian Louis C. K. once said in stand-up:

I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."

What You Can Do About It

For people who are looking to make new friends—maybe after moving to a new city, changing jobs, or simply drifting apart from old friends—it can be especially challenging. Everyone's so busy and we're less likely to have the three things sociologists consider necessary to making close friends: close proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting where people let their guards down and confide in each other (like college).

Does this mean once you're past 30 you should give up all hope of making a true new friend? Of course not.

Tracy Moore, likening friendship to a conveyor belt, writes on our sister site Jezebel that maybe we just need to change our attitude towards friendship:

Maybe you're in a new city with unknown conveyer belts; maybe your old friends are heinous jackanapes you have no idea why you just hung out with for the last decade. Either way, you have to think of making friends at this age in this world with this head as a different game.

And, yes, actually go out there and socialize with people who have similar interests. Here are a few examples from around the Lifehacker crew:

• Use services like Meetup.com, which hosts outings for everything from outdoor hiking to poetry readings to kid dance parties. Whitson says he went to a Dungeons & Dragons meetup and ended up with a group of four guys that he played D&D with for the next three years.
• Use daily deals, such as Groupon or LivingSocial, to take classes or other activities. Alan says he met a lot of really cool people at a Living Social whiskey tasting. Actually, Thorin also says he met a lot of people at a whiskey tasting. Nothing like food and drinks to bring people together!
• Meet people at church. As Joshua jokes, "church activities are full of people contractually obligated to be your friend."
• Join a sports league (bonus points: get regular exercise!). My husband's part of a weekly basketball league that's recruiting new members all the time.
• Get out with your dog (or maybe even get a puppy). Lifehacker readers Em and Powermobydick (on Twitter) say that walking their dogs and going to dog parks have helped them meet new people.
• Other obvious but still effective ways to get out there include volunteering, starting a new hobby, joining a neighborhood book club, and even traveling.

Once you've found a potential friend, you can get past the awkwardness of turning him or her into a friend by suggesting a common activity and setting up regular meetups (e.g., Sunday brunches) to build that relationship. Lifehacker reader Emily Adams (@emilyadams829) offers this good tip:

Also, be hospitable! Organize dinners and happy hours at your house where people can be comfortable and let their guard down.

Yes, building friendships is a lot like dating—and can take as much effort and emotional investment.

If you're a mostly shy person like me who doesn't really reach out to people, new friendship potential is still there (whether you force yourself to be sociable or not). Because no matter what stage of life you're in, making friends has a lot to do with luck and chemistry too—things you can't control and can happen when you least expect it.

A Silver Lining

As difficult and different as it might seem to make new friends, I think there are at least a few benefits to doing so when you're older:

• Your new friendships will likely be based more on shared interests—maybe new ones you didn't have when you were in school
  
• You're not limited to making friends in just your age group or, with the power of the internet, even your local area
  
• Your friendships may also be more relaxed and less pressure-filled, because everyone knows everyone else is so swamped (Kind-of-friends, also, Moore writes, "is the best version of friends you can have as an adult! Kind-of friends are full of possibilities and virtually none of the obligation.")
  
• You might appreciate the rare times you spend with your friends (more than when you were in college and did nothing but loll about)
  

In fact, when you have more self-knowledge, the quality of the friendships you make (or renew) later in life can be richer than the happenstance ones from your school years, even if these friendships do take more effort to cultivate. And like the best relationships, they can also continue deepening over time.

Photos by Eden, Janine and Jim and BoyGoku.

Discuss

Author is participating

hyper_lemurMelanie Pinola

6

I often find myself shut out of potential friendships and circles of friends because I am a middle-aged, married woman with no children. I certainly like kids and understand the kinds of crazy time constraints parents face, but it seems as though my female peers (well-educated, culturally-literate professionals and academics in their thirties and forties) would prefer instead to interact with other mothers, even though we might have plenty of other things in common. I absolutely don't mind hearing about school and parenting issues, as I have nieces of my own, am interested in what's going on in their lives, and can hold up my end of the conversation and ask intelligent, sincerely interested questions, but even if I find a way to express interest, things still kind of trail off. I wish I knew how to deal with this barrier—it makes me feel like an outcast, and it hurts. My husband, somehow, doesn't seem to have this problem and has plenty of work colleagues who are also friends, but when we get together at parties, even their spouses aren't particularly interested in getting to know me, even though we're all very much alike, other than my non-parental status. Children are apparently an essential icebreaker, and one to which I do not have access. 5/03/13 10:03am

LisaB79hyper_lemur

3

Sadly, I have to concur with this. As a woman at a certain point you find out that other women once they become mothers, only can/want to have to do with you if you're "part of the club" i.e. a mother.

And the odd thing is that, even though in my 20s I was never the type to have friendships with men, I've found out since my 30s that it's suddenly way easier to start (non-romantic/sexual) friendships with men than with women, since they don't seem to have this bias. 5/03/13 11:55am

StellaMarishyper_lemur

3

I absolutely feel you here. I'm 36, married and not by choice of my own, have no children (not that this should matter, but it might add to hesitation by my friends to invite me to things with kids around). I have been losing touch with a lot of my friends that are now parents. I had hoped that as the kids grew older, they'd be able to make time again, but instead, I've been replaced by other mothers. It's not even only playdates, but nights out as well.

Maybe it's that they feel they no longer have anything in common with someone who doesn't discuss the growing pains of their children. It seems doubly a slap in the face for me though, as someone who struggled with infertility, to now feel ostracized because I didn't achieve the socially accepted goal of motherhood.
I feel stuck socializing with people younger than me because they seem to be my only option. But dammit, it gets frustrating trying to discuss nerdy things with someone born later than He-Man ever aired! 5/03/13 12:02pm

Caroline  and 28 others...

Author is participating

psu107Melanie Pinola

1

Let's not forget college alumni associations as a great way to meet new people. I moved to Los Angeles 7 years after I completed my 4 year degree at a Big Ten University. Many people in LA are transplants themselves and are looking to meet new people as well. Alumni Associations are similar to the church example given in this article, even if you're a jerk, people will tolerate you b/c you're from the same "tribe" (but most people are kind). Every Saturday during football season I would travel to the local bar to watch the games with the alumni association. From there I met people who are into Philadelphia sports so we would watch the Eagles games on Sunday or the Phillies games in the summer on TV. It's all about networking.... and that is a survival skill that should stay with you for life. 5/03/13 8:23am

Whitson Gordonpsu107

2

I went to University of Michigan, and after I moved to LA I discovered there's a bar where ALL the Michigan alumni go to watch football games on Saturday. It's like being back home once a week. The alumni association puts on a ton of stuff and makes it so easy to meet people. 5/03/13 8:34am

PSU2012psu107

1

hey i just graduated from Penn State and am moving to Orange County in a few weeks. how does one go about looking up alumni associations on the west coast? thanks in advance 5/03/13 9:05am

kappakai  and 11 others...

8 participants

nots3Melanie Pinola

3

The advice in this column is stuff I've seen in other places. But none of it has worked for me.

Meetup isn't much use since I live in a small-ish town and there really are not meetup activities here that I would be interested in. I think there are two groups (board games and "women-who-lunch").
I don't play any sports, so a sports league isn't really an option.
Groupon/Living Social doesn't seem to offer real-life courses, just online ones. I've looked for evening classes in subjects that I'd be interested in, but there isn't much on offer in a small town. Most of the interesting stuff seems to be in the day time when I'm at work.
Church. I'm not religious.
No dog.
I thought about joining a book club. But I'm not that kind of reader. It's not an activity I would do for its own sake, so wouldn't want to do it on the off-chance that I could make friends. . . because that may not happen. 5/03/13 11:05am

jckrbbtnots3

Don't get discouraged, and don't be afraid to talk to people. You are going to have to take some chances to meet people. Reading a book isn't that big of a sacrifice if the reward is meeting new people, is it? 5/03/13 1:40pm

umataro42nots3

1

Do you absolutely have to be a woman to get into that lunch group? Because that sounds like the best of the options you listed. Who doesn't like lunch? 5/03/13 4:26pm

Jim  and 4 others...

Author is participating

SandrockcstmMelanie Pinola

2

Just wanted to drop in and say that I'm impressed with the quality of Lifehacker's articles as of late. I was a big reader last year, and ended up not visiting for some time because the quality dropped.

Things have definitely gotten better, and I'll be stopping in more frequently. Keep up the good work Lifehacker! 5/05/13 1:39pm

Melanie PinolaSandrockcstm

Thanks very much! 5/06/13 8:14am

Duke BradfordSandrockcstm

I agree. So far this fall the story quality has bumped up in quality. I think it goes in cycles. This seemed to be summer of mildly interesting but useless redneck repair stories. I have to admit coming up with interesting, informative, and diverse stories without being repetitive is a huge challenge. 10/17/13 9:22am

3 participants

GeekthulhuMelanie Pinola

2

I haven't had a real close friend, other than my wife, in years. Probably since I was in my twenties. Getting married and having kids, going to college and working a lot makes it hard. About five years ago, we moved from New Mexico to Georgia, leaving our families behind. No family or friends out here for support at all. I've had some great work friends, but rarely have I hung out with them outside of work. Being a liberal and non-religious in the predominantly Christian conservative deep south makes it tough to find anyone to be friends with. I'm also a huge comic book, Star Wars, geeky things lover and finding anyone to connect with on that level has been difficult. Meeting people and talking with fellow geeks online is as good as it has gotten for me so far. It will have to do until I can come across anyone locally. 5/03/13 9:21am

PresedentialTreatLiteGeekthulhu

Welcome(ish) to Georgia!

I moved here a couple years ago as well and have struggled meeting people outside of a church setting as well. Since you're into the geek culture, might I suggest checking out a show or two at Dad's Garage in Atlanta? Also, if you haven't been to Dragon*Con in the fall, I guarantee you'll meet people with similar interests. It's also in Atlanta, so you may have to plan for it but since it's an entire weekend, you could make an event out of it.
I recently found that some of the restaurants around me offer board game nights too. You may want to see if there is something like that near you. I haven't had a chance to go yet but I think it would be a good way to meet a new group of people I wouldn't otherwise have the chance to.
Good luck!!! 5/03/13 11:41am

3 participants

relyk5Melanie Pinola

10

Yes, making friends can be difficult, you need to find time, you need to be vulnerable, you need to recognize your need for people, and you need to pursue friendships, but you can't let excuses like "Well, I'm an introvert, so it is really hard for me.." keep you from going after making friends.

I disagree with the point "Making Friends Is No Longer a Survival Requirement". To be straight up, if you think you have it all together - you don't need friends to help you discover who you are, what your role is, give input/advice on life situations, or help carry you through tough situations in life - you are greatly mistaken. You were never meant to live independently of others.
You are meant to have friends that are closer than family. You were created to live in a community of people who love you for who you are, regardless of the junk in your life.
This is such a giant issue in so many people's lives for legitimate reasons: past hurts, a warped sense of who they are, no sense of value for them self. For the sake of these people, we need to be more loving and welcoming to random people in our lives. Talk to them, invite them places, have a meal together. Don't let a label, introvert/extrovert or your personal preference, keep you from reaching out to people that may be dying inside from lack of companionship, but lack the self-worth to go after friendships themselves.
*I get fired up about this topic and our culture's lack of concern for it. 5/03/13 8:27am

horizonguyrelyk5

Well said! 5/03/13 8:52am

jckrbbtrelyk5

Great post. I completely agree. Friends may no longer be a requirement for hunting and gathering, or making sure you don't get beat up on the playground, but they will continue to enrich your life, provide you with value as you do the same for them, and create a network of ever-increasing opportunity. Your comment of being vulnerable is spot on. Be ready to invest in other people and trust them, and they should respond in kind. 5/03/13 1:27pm

2 participants

Half man, Half buiscuitMelanie Pinola

1

I will second the whole 'join a sports club' thing. I played college level rugby, and after graduating, I moved to a new city. Only knew one person there, and they introduced me to a local Rugby club. In a matter of days I went from knowing virtually no one, to having 30 people I consider friends. Plus, there is a certain camaraderie inherent in every rugby club. These people went on to introduce me to a whole bunch of different people. So even if you think you are clumsy, get out there and join any league: flag football, soccer, rugby...whatever, trust me you will not regret it. 5/03/13 8:18am

ZavenHalf man, Half buiscuit

I joined a rugby team as well when I moved to a new city. I had never played before but one of my roommates' friends talked me into it. Definitely have to agree with everything you're saying. It also doesn't hurt that the team I joined won a national championship my first year playing. 5/03/13 8:51am

2 participants

Jeff EdsellMelanie Pinola

6

Makes me think of this. 5/03/13 8:39am

umataro42Jeff Edsell

2

Credit for the common interest loop breaker should go to Howard Wolowitz. 5/03/13 4:24pm

1 participant

tombest610Melanie Pinola

1

Yeah, I'll bet the people pictured at the top of this article are having a real hard time getting anyone to be their friend. :-)

Anyway, a very effective way to make friends as a young adult is to attend a church. Some even have specific groups set up for singles to get together. Look for a big church, and check their web site for "Singles Ministry". Boom. Friends. 5/03/13 9:45am

ididthatoncetombest610

True story. I'm going through a breakup, and am looking to join a synagogue in my area, in part, to meet guys. My ex was also a gentile, so I'm sure everyone's mom will try to set me up with people.

Also, you know, it's fun and a good community. 5/03/13 3:35pm

3 participants

whoopingchowMelanie Pinola

2

How do you make friends at work? I recently graduated from a college in a pretty big city, and my current job is in the suburbs. As such, the demographics are totally different—I went from walking around and seeing single, mid-20's to mid-30's people previously, to mostly mid-30's to mid-40's people, mostly married and with kids. I have very little to relate with these my current co-workers besides our jobs at the company, and even that's a stretch (most of these people don't understand what I do since it's all black magic to them). How do I talk to them? 5/03/13 11:11am

2 participants

6 Powerful Questions That Will Change Your Life Forever

Announcement: Wish you could change your past? Learn to let go and create a life you love with the new Tiny Buddha course!

6 Powerful Questions That Will Change Your Life Forever

By James McWhinney

“Information is not knowledge.” ~Einstein
A few years ago I was lost. Frustrated. Scared. Unsure. Anxious. Trapped. Unfulfilled. Stuck in a dead-end job. Smothered by society’s expectations. Didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do with my life.
I cared for myself enough to change my life, but I didn’t have the slightest clue where to start. I spent my days wishing that things would change—that I could escape a life that my soul could no longer bear.
The worst part of all, I was living the life that society had always told me to live. “Find a secure job, work hard,” they would say. “Get a solid job and work your way up the ladder.”
I don’t know about you, but it turns out that for me, the “right thing to do” sucked the joy out of life.
Imagine feeling trapped in an unsatisying existence. Wasting your precious time doing things that you really don’t want to be doing. Being afraid to express your uniqueness. Having fun on the weekends then dreading the upcoming week. Maybe you don’t have to imagine it; maybe your life is just like mine was, few moments of satisfaction drowned out by a constant grind of work that doesn’t fulfill you.
Then something hit me. It was a proverbial hammer to my head. I’d heard it before, but it had never sunk in. Then, as if out of nowhere, a voice in my head spoke loudly and clearly.
“Discover who you truly are and fully give every aspect of your uniqueness to the world. This is your path to an extraordinary life.”
I followed this wisdom as if my life depended on it. And I can tell you that my life has changed for the better since I followed this guidance.
I can tell you without any doubt that the greatest piece of wisdom that I’ve discovered in my life thus far is this:
If you want to live an extraordinary life it is imperative that you know who you truly are, and to do so you must explore who you truly are. 
These 6 questions changed my life forever. They will also change your life forever by allowing you to find your true self, and in doing so, discover why you’ve been born into this great world.
I’m not talking about the “self’” that others demand you to be or the self that acts a certain way to fit in and conform with what society accepts. I’m talking about the true you—the you who wants to authentically express your special and unique qualities to the world.
By answering these questions you will discover your unique passions, strengths, values, desires, and motivations, which are all yearning for your expression.
You have a unique purpose. Discovering the answers to these questions will allow you to align yourself with that purpose and bring real magic into your life.
Self-knowledge is the greatest knowledge that you will ever acquire. Why? Because your ability to fulfill your unique internal drive will determine your ability to fulfill your potential, which in turn determines the quality of your life.
The questions below are designed to help to know yourself deeply and find what is truly important to you. We all have an unexpressed potential; the exercises are specifically designed to help you find yours.

1. What do I absolutely love in life?

List anything that you love about the world and the people in your life. Think about any activities that get you excited and enthusiastic and make you feel most alive. This can be absolutely anything: music, sports, cooking, teaching others, learning, watching movies—anything. Within your love for these things lies deep passion.

2. What are my greatest accomplishments in life so far?

List all of the moments that you are proud of as well as the times that you’ve succeeded. To have accomplished these, you would have used some of your key strengths. See if you can identify why you succeeded. Also, list any activities, hobbies, or anything else that you do that you complete with ease. Within these lie greatest strengths.

3. What would I stand for if I knew no one would judge me?

List everything that you would do if you weren’t afraid, even your wildest dreams. This will help you discover your greatest values.

4. If my life had absolutely no limits and I could have it all and do whatever I wanted, what would I choose to have and what would I choose to do?

Describe your ideal lifestyle. List what you would do throughout the day if you knew that you were bound to be successful, what kind of person you would be, how much money you would earn, and where you would live.
This question allows you to realize who you would truly want to be if there were no limits. By aligning with this you can begin working towards the life that you truly want to create. Know that you wouldn’t have a desire if you didn’t also have the ability to fulfil it.

5. What would I do if I had one billion dollars?

List everything that you would really love to do if you had all the money in the world. Okay, so you would probably travel the world, buy a house or two, and give some money to your family. Then what would you do with your time?
This question helps you to think without limitations. When we are able to remove limitations and boundaries, we can discover what we really want to do.

6. Who do I admire most in the world?

List your greatest inspirations and the qualities that you admire about these people. Think about what really inspires you in this world. What you admire about others is also a quality that is in you. Know that you admire someone because they have similar qualities to you.
Taking the time to answer these question will change your life. The more that you can implement your passions, strengths, values, desires, and motivations into your days, the happier your life will become!
You can study to become a doctor, lawyer, teacher, or anything else, but this knowledge will only take you so far. Meanwhile, discovering the deep wisdom of self-knowledge will ensure that your life is far more meaningful and fulfilling. I’ve got a feeling that is what Einstein meant when he said “Information is not knowledge.”
The most valuable knowledge that you will ever discover is, and always will be, within.

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How to Make Friends in College

Being ActiveBeing SocialStarting Off on the Right Foot Edited by Garion Riva, Ben Rubenstein, Dave Crosby, Sondra C and 44 others Whether you're about to start your first day at a small private school or at a large university, making new friends in college can be an intimidating experience. But if you want to make friends in college, all you have to do is remember that everyone is just as nervous and scared as you are and start being social as soon as possible, before social circles start closing down. If you want to know how to make friends in college in no time at all, just follow these steps. EditMethod 1 of 3: Being Active 1 Join a club or two. This is the easiest and most effective way to meet new people with similar interests. Don't be afraid of going by yourself. That is the only way you can get to know people in a personal level, especially in these huge universities. Smaller colleges and community colleges may not have as many clubs, but if they do, they are related mainly to a technical program. During the first weeks everyone is going by themselves. If you are joining late, just remember that most groups will be very happy to show you around. You could try a group relating to your interests, or a totally random club. Check your college website, Facebook profiles, and flyers around the school for when clubs meet and what clubs you can join. You can start your own club too. Most colleges have a club fair on the second or third week of school. Don't be "too cool" to check this out. You'll get a sense of what type of people are in each club just by talking to the representatives at each booth. 2 Join an intramural or club sports team. Sports are a great way to meet new people because you all have a common goal. If you don't like the stress of intercollegiate sports, you can go into inter-murals. You spend a lot of time together practicing and it helps develop teamwork. Most of the time your team does turn into family. If you are not athletic, try going into something like theatre or music. If you were obsessed with your high school tennis team and have joined a club team, you won't have the same level of commitment and team work. Still, you can meet some great friends this way. 3 Get a job. Often, finding a position as a tour guide or a clerk in the bookstore will allow you to form common bonds with your coworkers which could reward you with new friendships, and a little spending money. You can do it outside the college too. Pick a job where a lot of students or people your age are likely to work. If you work at a day care center, you won't meet as many friends as you would at a high-school tutoring center. 4 Take an elective. Electives (especially the ones that are lab based) are a great way to make new friends. If you are interested in music, try taking band or choir, or some music production course. If you have a passion for art, take an art class. If you are interested in athletics, take a bowling or weightlifting class. If you really like health care, take a psychology or biology course. But don't overdo it and try to keep your classes related to your major. You can also pick classes that are more socially-oriented. Classes with a lot of discussion and group work, along with coursework that requires interacting with new people may help. That include communication, sociology, psychology, political science, etc. 5 Don't be too cool for Facebook. This is not the time to be original. If you're not on Facebook, the people you meet are much less likely to remember you, to stay connected with you, and to invite you to their events. With the modern era of the Internet, when you are sitting on here finding out how to make friends in college, add some people in your college or your community -- after you've met them, that is. Join campus groups on Facebook with common interests and you can meet some new friends that way. Being reasonably active on Facebook after you've made a bunch of new Facebook friends will keep you on their radar. Just don't spend more than 15-30 minutes a day on Facebook or you'll be missing out on the time you can spend socializing in the real world. 6 Volunteer. Volunteering at a local soup kitchen or animal shelter, or even at your college, is a great way to meet new people or make friends. It will also look great on your resume and will help you get a job. Volunteering through Circle K or another volunteer organization on campus will make you even more likely to make friends. 7 Consider rushing a fraternity or a sorority. Joining Greek life is definitely not for everybody, but don't knock it until you try it. On some college campuses, Greek life is a major part of the social scene, and you can be missing out on a major opportunity to make lifelong friends just because you're skeptical of the rush process. On other campuses, Greek life only makes up a small minority of student activities -- still, it could be a fantastic way to make friends. Greek rush is about meeting people that you click with, which is basically like speed friend-dating. If you get the wrong vibe from a sorority, no one will force you to join it. Even if you don't end up landing in the sorority or fraternity of your dreams, you can make a lot of great friends through the rushing process. EditMethod 2 of 3: Being Social 1 Go to events. There's nothing like a good football game to build camaraderie. If football isn't your thing, there are usually poetry readings, concerts, art shows, dances, contests, or other events around campus. Asking people about local events is a useful conversation starter. But hey, if football isn't your thing and you go to Ohio State or University of Michigan, you should probably go to a game or two to see what the hubbub is about. It's not just about the game -- it's about the social experience. Go to something completely fun or ridiculous, like a magic show or a belly-dancing contest. Step out of your comfort zone and see who you'll meet in the process. 2 Talk to people. You can't make many new friends while sitting in a dark corner of the library unless there are other people just like you sitting in the dark corner of the library. Ask people who take classes with you questions about the material covered. Even if you don't have a question, classwork is a great icebreaker. Other great conversation starters are upcoming events and holidays/vacations, sports, food, music, etc. When you talk to a new person, remember his or her name. Use it the next time you meet, and the person will be impressed. State the obvious too. Usually when you are eating, you talk about food and if you hear music, you automatically talk about music. When you meet someone new, tell them one thing to remember you by. You're the girl who is a triplet, or who has a pet snake. Make them remember you. 3 Don't do your homework in your dorm room or apartment. Most dorms have a lounge or common area where you can work instead. When you must be in your dorm for studying, leave the door open. Try to put a TV on or some music to attract more people into your dorm. If you're an outdoors person, go outside to work. While you may not enjoy the same level of privacy, people will approach you in time. Try studying on other parts of campus, too. The campus has many common areas where you can study and congregate. 4 Go to parties. These will be scary at first (loud music, drunk seniors, etc.), but eventually, you will find your groove. College is about having a good time (as well as getting your degree) so have some fun! If you are not the type to go to the hardcore parties, a school or community dance might help too. You can also have small quiet parties if you are not into these big frat parties such as having a movie night, slumber party, or sports party. Just stay safe and go with a group. In the first few weeks of school, people travel in packs of people usually from their dorm rooms. Try not to get separated from them too much -- keep a buddy system going with one friend, at least. Embrace the theme. If a party has a theme, dress up. Don't be a stick in the mud. 5 Check out events in your town. Most students get completely wrapped up in their college campus and forget to check in with the outside world from time to time. If you're at a smaller school, you can meet people off campus and in the community. Check out events like movies, the mall, bowling, festivals, fairs, local shows and concerts, and even go shopping at bit. This is a great way to meet people of all ages, not just college students. 6 Take advantage of any previous acquaintances. Maybe you're going to college with a girl you knew from math class, or with your second cousin's best friend. Treat these people as valuable resources, even if you don't have so much in common. This will make it easier and your acquaintances will more likely have friends that are like you. You can hang out with your old buddies from high school, but be sure to make sure you get out of your nest and meet new people too. And you never know -- your old acquaintance can turn in to a best friend. 7 Be approachable. Part of being social is making it easy for people to walk up and start a conversation with you. Try to look available instead of furiously tapping into your iPhone or walking to your class so quickly that you can't stop and smell the (conversational) roses. Be nice to other people, open doors for people, help them with their homework. These small things will help you a long way. Really, just taking the time to smile at people you don't know will make them much more likely to go up and talk to you. EditMethod 3 of 3: Starting Off on the Right Foot 1 Try to make friends before school starts. Some colleges offer a variety of activities before fall classes start. This could be a week-long trip spent volunteering in the area, or a camping trip where you and your future classmates would form bonds that could last forever. Your school may also have local incoming freshman meet-ups in your area in the spring before school starts; go to these with a big smile on your face. Though this kind of thing may sound corny, or like doing more work before school, it will definitely pay off when it comes to making friends. You may not meet your new best friend at these events, but you're likely to meet a few people that you can hang out with who will make you feel less afraid of socializing. And the more people you know, the more likely you are to meet someone you really like. 2 Start socializing immediately. When you get to college, everyone will be incredibly friendly, eager to shake your hand and ask for your number, and to talk openly about their high school experience and college plans. This is absolutely a fact: for the first few weeks of school. If you spend those first few weeks being homesick, calling your best friend, or generally engaging antisocial behavior, you will miss your chance to randomly introduce yourself to people in the cafeteria, in your class, or in your dorm. If you wait too long, people will start listening to their iPods, drifting into their set groups of friends, and closing their doors to new people. This may sound harsh, but that's the way it goes. When you meet a new person, don't be afraid to ask for his or her number, whether it's a potential friend or love interest. In the beginning, this is completely socially acceptable and won't come off as creepy. When you meet new people, it's also a good idea to make plans with them. Say, "Hey, are you going to that party tonight?" or "Are you checking out the a cappella show too?" Finding something cool to do will make people more likely to agree to hang out. 3 Ditch the long-distance relationship. Though about 1 in 1,000 college long-distance relationships have proven to last, it's just not worth it for you to keep up this charade. You're only 18, or 22 at most, and you should spend this time meeting new people, exploring your options, and spending your time outside your dorm room -- not on the phone with your boyfriend who is all the way up in Michigan, planning your fourth visit of the month. Nothing will isolate you from your potential friends or make you feel lonely faster. You don't have to meet the love of your life in your college -- heck, you probably won't -- but closing yourself off before you begin the search is guaranteed to make you more antisocial. If you really are devoted to your long-distance relationship, make sure to keep your phone conversations relatively brief and to plan as few visits during the first few months of college as possible. 4 Branch out from your roomies if you don't really click. Sure, your roommate seems kind of normal and is pretty nice. Does that mean you should spend the next four years glued to this person? Probably not. Your roommate is a great person to hang out with for the first few weeks of school, and who can help you meet some new people. But if you just have the sense that you're not friend soul mates, stop using your roomie as a crutch. You don't have to ditch your roommate completely. Just be prepared to go out and do your own thing instead of following him around. Sometimes, it's better if you and your roommate have a friendly, but not too close relationship. This can help avoid future awkwardness if you start having issues about living together. 5 Find a friend who is even more social than you. Your college will be filled with an endless variety of people. Some of them will be shy, and others will be about as shy as Justin Bieber. You should find a balance of friends, of course, but you should pick out at least one person, or even a few people, who have really great social skills, are excited to meet knew people, and are always up to something exciting. This will maximize your chances of meeting as many people as possible -- and of finding the few people who really matter to you. 6 Don't humiliate yourself too much. Though college is all about making mistakes and bad decisions and living to regret them, you should try to avoid making a spectacle of yourself -- too much. Have some fun, get crazy, and dance wildly with your friends, but don't be the girl who pukes in the shower or hooks up with three guys on the first night of college. Unfortunately, you will be remembered for your mistakes, not for all of your great qualities. Don't be afraid of stepping out of your comfort zone and trying new things; but do be wary of developing a bad reputation early on. Having sex in college may be glamorized in the movies, but it will have many costs to your success in college, such as the possibility of STDs that could be deadly or getting someone pregnant when you are not ready. If you do, make sure you are well protected and try to do it at your own risk. 7 Don't give up. Freshman year is a major change and many people flip out and give up. Many freshman still haven't left their nest and the transition from being with close friends, siblings, or with their parents to a new environment might be difficult. This usually happen with students that go to college that is far away from home. Don't let this happen to you. It may take an entire year before you really start meeting people. Some college students who are not in sports, music or theatre, or in some technical program don't meet people really well until sophomore and even junior year! Realize that once you have a major targeted (or are in a technical program or trade) and are done with your general classes, you'll find several people who have a similar schedule. This eases the friend-making process tenfold. If you are taking generals, try to have a path too in your major so you can easily meet people with common goals and interests. Edit Tips Be yourself. College students are all in the same boat as you, so you don't have to put on an act. They can find a phony and people don't like phonies. Look at all the "fake thugs" and "fake rednecks" on TV. Don't judge people. Don't be a jerk. Nobody likes a bully. Try and make nice complements to people such as "Nice shirt" or "I like your dorm room. Do not say "I don't like the color of your shirt" or "You're ugly." Just remember that if you're a bully, nobody will like you! If you live close to your hometown, you can still keep in touch with your hometown friends. You can also keep track of them on Myspace, Twitter, and Facebook. If you live in a dorm, leave the door to your room open as much as possible. Try to hang in the community room or commons area as much as possible, or hang around at the school. If you are in a community college, the more adult way of making friends is more the way to go. See Make Friends. Edit Warnings Don't play dumb to try to gain others attention. It will hurt you in the long run. Don't fall to hazing. If someone asks you to do something illegal, should they really be your friend? This is very common when you are a freshman. Be ready for freshman initiation. Be cautious if you decide to leave your dorm room door open. People have been known to steal from others during college, so if you do decide to leave your room open for friends, remember to keep everything you wouldn't want stolen locked up well. Don't be annoying. Nobody likes a pest! Try not to get into drinking if you are underage, illegal drugs, gang activity, illegal gambling, dumb pranks, criminal activity, or unprotected sex. These will change your future very fast. Edit Related wikiHows How to Hang out With Your Friends at School How to Establish a Curfew for College Students Living at Home How to Be Close Friends With the Guy You Like How to Be Friends With Everyone How to Set Up Your Friends Romantically How to Meet New Friends at the Pub How to Get People to Like You How to Create a Friendship in 60 Seconds How to Act at a College Party Article Info Categories: Campus Life Recent edits by: WanderWoman, BlobStuff, Jeff In other languages: Español: Cómo hacer amigos en la universidad, Português: Como Fazer Amigos na Faculdade, Français: Comment se faire des amis à la fac, Italiano: Come Farsi degli Amici all'Università, Русский: завести друзей в колледже, 中文: 在大学里结交朋友 Discuss Print Email Edit Send fan mail to authors